3. Music-Mind : A Conversation between 33 year-old pianist HO'D and 50 year-old psychologist HO'D
In the form of an imaginary psychological counseling session….
(All a bit strange, I know…)
Psychologist HO’D : Good morning, Heather O’Donnell. What brings you in here today?
Pianist HO’D : Everything. My life! Nothing is going right at the moment. When I play the piano, my fingers, hands and arms hurt. Sometime this area hurts [points], and sometimes not. Sometimes that area hurts, sometimes not so much. This area ALWAYS hurts.
Sometimes I can’t feel my fingertips. Sometimes I feel like I can’t really control the movements. A friend told me that my left hand looks like that of a dead person! A doctor said there’s muscular atrophy. Nobody knows exactly why.
Psychologist HO’D : That sounds really difficult.
Pianist HO’D : It is! I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Usually I can limp myself through concerts and then take a few days off and try to recover. But the stress is unbelievable, also the uncertainty of how the concert will go. A few days ago I played such a sh%$#y concert. Is it me or is it the hand and arm problems? I have no idea. I’d like to say it’s the hand/arm problems, but honestly, I’m not sure.
Psychologist HO’D : What do you mean, “Is it me?”
Pianist HO’D : I mean, was I just not sufficiently prepared? Was I just not solid enough? How can I be sure that the bad performance was actually related to the hand & arm issues? More than one doctor, maybe a dozen doctors, have thrown around the word “psychosomatic”…
Psychologist HO’D : You seem upset by that word. What does the term psychosomatic mean to you?
Pianist HO’D : That I’m nuts... Crazy. That there is no real reason for the difficulties I’m experiencing. It’s all in my mind.
[Psychologist HO’D has a different opinion about what psychosomatic means, but decides that that’s not really important right now.]
Pianist HO’D : I’m also getting pressure from people around me. A former teacher responded to a letter where I mentioned the hand & arm issues and wrote: “I thought you’d worked that out by now!” People, colleagues, audiences, everyone, are starting to lose patience with me. I mean, what IS this issue?
Psychologist HO’D : What do you think it is?
Pianist HO’D : I don’t know!! I want someone to tell me!!
Psychologist HO’D : What do you think that former teacher you mentioned would say the issue is?
Pianist HO’D : That I damaged myself. That I didn’t follow advice on a healthy technique. That I chose pieces that were beyond me.
Psychologist HO’D : Do you agree with that former teacher?
Pianist HO’D : It’s part of it. But I’ve been trying so hard. I’ve been to so many doctors, physiotherapists, pianists working in recovering from injuries. Of course, I’m seeing YOU, to try to see if I am, indeed, nuts. I have to admit that I’ve also been to what I’d call “Witch Doctors”, people offering VERY alternative methods, sometimes really expensive.
Psychologist HO’D : Have any of them helped?
Pianist HO’D : Sometimes I feel like they help, but then the problem comes back, or returns in a different way. One doctor really messed things up…
Psychologist HO’D : How?
Pianist HO’D : He worked on releasing muscular tension. After two days of intensive work, I went back to the piano and it sounded like I was playing drunk. I called him in a panic and asked “WHAT DID YOU DO!?” He said, “I told you, you might be feeling different after the treatment!” I said: “But how am I supposed to get through the concert next week?” He said “Oh…”.
Psychologist HO’D : What do you think his treatment did?
Pianist HO’D : Well, I think he took away my pianistic crutches! I’ve been trying to find a way to navigate with all of these injury issues, and of course there might have been some compensations, the pianistic equivalent of a limp, but it was what I was depending on to be able to deliver something in concerts.
Psychologist HO’D : It sounds like his treatment was not responding to your needs.
Pianist HO’D : No! …
[LONG SILENCE]
Psychologist HO’D : Can you imagine a treatment that might have helped you?
Pianist HO’D : A treatment that helped me play without pain and all of the other uncomfortable sensations, but that didn’t mess my life up even more.
Psychologist HO’D : If you could take a magic pill that would take away the pain, uncomfortable sensations, what would your life look like?
Pianist HO’D : It would be great! I could play the piano without pain. I could know for sure which things I’m struggling with (like a lack of control in fine movements) were actually due to the injury, and which were actually due to a need for a more solid technical foundation. I’d have certainty.
…
Of course, the ‘magic pill’ wouldn’t take away the fact that I have to do A LOT of work to acquire each and every concert. I recently got management, and I thought that would take the onus off of me in acquiring concerts, but it hasn’t. I’d still have to write all those letters, and make those phone calls, and meet people for coffee, and ‘sell’ the programs, just to keep working and making a living.
Psychologist HO’D : So, if I hear you correctly, the physical manifestations of the problems would disappear, but there would still be many other difficulties, right?
Pianist HO’D : Yes. Being a freelance musician is freaking hard. I have to practice so much to be able to play at the level that’s necessary, and then I have to do so much other work just to keep the whole ship afloat.
Psychologist HO’D : With the ship analogy, I have another water association: keeping your head above water?
Pianist HO’D : Yes, that’s what it feels like. I’m drowning. I have to kick so hard just to stay above water. Then the injuries get worse and worse and it’s all just getting more and more impossible.
Psychologist HO’D : Impossible?
Pianist HO’D : Impossible… I don’t know how much longer I can hold this out. I truly love the music I play, but I’m not managing in navigating the life that I need to live in order to support doing the music.
Psychologist HO’D : What is the ‘life you need to live?’, what do you mean by that?
Pianist HO’D : Constant sacrifice, constant work. It’s all dependent on me. If I step away, my whole ‘House of Cards’ will crumble.
Psychologist HO’D : A ‚House of Cards’… A ‘House of Cards’ can be blown away. A ‘House of Cards’ lacks stability, lacks a foundation…
Pianist HO’D : Yup.
[Thinking: Duh.]
(Long Silence…. Meaningful looks from Psychologist HO’D)
Psychologist HO’D : Are you lacking a foundation?
Pianist HO’D : Of course.
Psychologist HO’D : Oh- you’re really sure about that. How do you know you’re lacking a foundation?
Pianist HO’D : I know it! I feel it. Dammit…
Psychologist HO’D : Where do you feel it?
Pianist HO’D : In my heart. Also, when I think about all of this, my hand starts to hurt again….
[Begins to cry…]
[Long Pause]
Psychologist HO’D : What are the tears telling you?
Pianist HO’D : I’ve got to find a foundation. I need to stop just keeping my head above water. I need something firm to stand on.
Psychologist HO’D : Any idea what that foundation looks like? …
[Long Pause]
Pianist HO’D : mmm.... it could be time. Right now, the foundation could be time. I need some time.
Psychologist HO’D : So, time is the foundation for now? Having some time for rest and recovery would bring you a sense of having a foundation to stand on?
Pianist HO’D : Maybe... Yes, I could imagine that it would help.
[Conversation continues with some brainstorming on how to create the conditions for the needed time…]
Psychologist HO’D : Would you like to take some time now to let this new foundation sink in a little into the body?
Pianist HO’D : Ok. Sounds a bit weird, but ok.
Psychologist HO’D : Yup, it does sound a bit weird.
[They spend a few minutes standing and sensing the feeling, sensations, temperature, of the ground under their feet]
Psychologist HO’D : So, was that weird?
Pianist HO’D : Yeah. A little… Weird and helpful. Helpful and weird. I have some foundation under my feet now. Thanks.
Psychologist HO’D : Until next time, Heather O’Donnell.
Pianist HO’D : Yeah, until next time, Heather O’Donnell.