Maria sings herself into a state of confidence, even though she perhaps had a wicked childhood… perhaps had a miserable youth…

Many kids perform without fear, with an enviable self-confidence.

Then something happens.

And then 20, 30, or 60-year-old people are trying to (re-)gain self-confidence through psychological work.

(Hats off to you)

A recent statement from a client: “I’m confident if I prepare 500% in order to get 100% in the performance”.

But did the confident kid operate that way?

Where did that confident kid go?

The Culture of Never Good Enough

Pianist Arthur Schnabel reveals a tension in the culture of interpretation that exemplifies what one calls (in German) an :

Ist vs. Soll Zustand (How it IS vs. how it SHOULD BE, the reality vs. the wish):

IS: “Great Music is Always Better Than It Can Be Played!”

SHOULD: “Interpretation is a Free Walk on a Firm Ground”

Is there a way to integrate the sense that it will never be good enough with an inner freedom, a sense of confidence, and stability (firm ground)?

Of course. Many people are motivated by the first quote. It fills them with a sense of wonder in the magnitude of greatness they are confronting in their practice room, every day. For others, however, the “Never Good Enough” subtext leaves them feeling submissive and defeated, like Dobby the House Elf.

“Dobby Has Heard Of Your Greatness, Sir, But Never Has He Been Asked To Sit Down By A Wizard! Like An Equal."

The Never Good Enough pedagogical stew in which many musicians developed can be as crippling and self-defeating as octave glissandi, and also as practiced and engrained into our bodies and souls as those blasted finger shredders.

From childhood, daily practice might be stewed in “Never Good Enough”. It becomes so ingrained, that we forget that it was relentlessly messaged into us, mistaking it perhaps for a personality weakness leading to crippling self-doubt, perpetual second-guessing, never acknowledging the good-enough.

But what’s wrong with striving for greatness?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

But I would like to ask you to look around inside and ask yourself honestly which of the two “mood stews” you tend to inhabit:

Mood Stew Number One: You’re motivated by the wish to surpass your last best effort. It drives you out of bed and into the practice room. It’s got a tangible energy that creates curiosity and drive.

You’re on fire.

Mood Stew Number Two: Your sense of “Never Good Enough” creates self-exploitation in the form of putting in ever more hours, going even beyond your own physical and mental boundaries, being constantly hounded by guilty feelings of “I should be practicing (more)”, finding it hard, almost impossible, to grant yourself some time off or allowance to do things outside of the practice room.

One mood stew tends to feel good. One mood stew tends to be dreadful.

Very few people consistently occupy one mood stew or the other. Most of us vacillate between the two.

Where are you on the mood stew continuum?

A lack of confidence is a serious impediment. It can be an illness. A sense of confidence is an integral part of mental health. I didn’t say “over-confidence”. I didn’t say “false-confidence”.

Please, let me repeat: A sense of confidence is integral to mental health.

Maybe we should define self-confidence now?

Self-confidence is the mindset that enables individuals to maintain a positive, yet practical, perception of themselves and their circumstances. Self-confident individuals have faith in their own capabilities, feel a sense of influence over their lives, and believe that, to a reasonable extent, they can accomplish their goals, plans, and expectations.

How to Cultivate Confidence

There are many approaches to cultivating a sense of confidence in your core worthiness. So many of these are almost meaningless when not explored within the context of an individual musician’s personality, background, experiences, relationships and internal voices. But here’s an attempt…

First of all, ask yourself:

Do I need to gain confidence or actually to release and let go of insecurity?

These are different processes.

Gaining confidence may be related to building skills. Is your practice process unidirectional (from bad -> good) and routine (the same process every day)?

Are you practicing in novel experiences that you can master on a day-to-day level (in addition to the large-picture mastery that takes years or even a lifetime)?

When you shake up a routined approach, you give your brain something to chomp on and master. The brain-beast loves that.

There can (and should) be mastery processes going on every day. When you have a mastery experience (i.e. noticing in practice that that trill sounds f***ing brilliant, or winning the Queen Elisabeth Competition), you …

…LET IT SINK IN.

You sit with this gratifying mood stew for some time, perhaps thinking:

“I did it. I mastered that.”

It’s both a thought and a feeling: a body sensation. Maybe it feels warm. Maybe your heart glows a little, or a lot. The feeling of mastery is then sitting in your body. It’s countering years of muscular contraction that arose from the “Never Good Enough” messaging. You seek out those moments of sitting in the pleasant “I did it.” stew.

This may be mistaken with a limiting self-satisfaction or even narcissism, but I beg you to please differentiate. We all need positive experiences, as we all need food to eat. You may notice that sitting with the positive experience can even be motivating to build on and to find more exploratory ground to cover the next day. It’s about processes (“Today I was farther along than yesterday.”), not about end-products (“I delivered the best or worst concert in the history of concerts.”)

You may believe that being hyper-critical is a necessary component for success in our industry. Mostly it leads to trouble. Over years and decades, it can be integrated into the body as a sense of unease, tension, and misery. As Bessel van der Kolk states : “The Body Keeps the Score” (excellent book, BTW).

What about other values, such as curiosity, collegiality, searching, ability to put yourself in uncomfortable situations? Perhaps these are more energizing values than hyper self-criticism?

Now onto: “Do I need to release insecurities?”

Perhaps it’s not easy to self-generate the “I did it” stew. Are there people around you who tend to lift you up, motivate you, encourage you? If not, why not? If there are only people delivering harsh and cutting criticisms around you:

First of all, I’m really very sorry for you…

Second of all, please change that.

Perhaps we need to talk a little about teachers, via sports coaching.

Contemporary sports training has evolved into an understanding that excellence is not correlated with abusive and destructive practices such as constant criticizing, tearing a human down in order to build a super-human. Though there may have been remarkable athletes in the past that excelled DESPITE their abusive coaches, we now know that abusive coaching practices do not belong to the category of excellence-training. What constitutes abusive coaching? Aside from the obvious (physical and sexual violence), we can mention psychological abuses, which are often more subtle: belittling, breaking down, exerting control, gaslighting, using fear techniques, humiliating, scapegoating, isolating, and ignoring.

Is your lack of confidence due to the buildup of years of messaging: “Never Good Enough”? Do you have to take a trip to the brain’s junkyard and leave all of that behind?

**Does an unlearning process need to occur?**

Buckminster Fuller said “I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.“

Did your innate confidence get pounded out by a severe educational structure?

Were you ridiculed for shining too bright? Being too sure of yourself? (Show-Off!)

Many people in our field are there, some are even paid handsomely for it, to take us down a notch, or two, or ten. That’s their job.

Unlearning unhelpful messages will most likely take time and patience. It might be viewed as a new form of daily practice.

One can feed the discipline of a trained musician into the process.

For a start, here is a lovely meditation by the masterful Buddhist and Psychologist Tara Brach.

In closing for today, take to heart the words of Eleonor Roosevelt:

2. Music-Mind : I Have Confidence in Sunshine